


Hello Darkness, My Old Friend

by IvanW



Series: T'hy'la Chronicles [1]
Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Break Up, Cadet James T. Kirk, Enterprise, Insecurity, Love, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Paranoia, Professor Spock, Romance, Self-Destruction, Self-Doubt, Separations, Starfleet Academy, Temporary Unhappy Ending, implied infidelity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-26
Updated: 2019-01-28
Packaged: 2019-07-02 22:32:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,115
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15805860
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IvanW/pseuds/IvanW
Summary: Jim and Spock become lovers at the academy, but then, after Jim's mental health deteriorates, Jim makes the decision to leave the academy and focus on being well, just as Spock gets the assignment as Science Officer to Captain Pike on the Enterprise.Eventually this story will include Jim on the Farragut while Spock is on the Enterprise and their eventual serving together on the Enterprise (in other words there is more to come)





	1. Chapter 1

Something was wrong in his relationship and Jim knew it. He just didn’t know where he’d gone wrong. He’d done everything so carefully.

He’d been respectful of Spock’s cultural differences. He’d discussed topics he knew were of interest to the Vulcan. He’d waited through four dates before he’d even tried to Vulcan kiss him. Six before a human kiss. They’d seen each other on ten occasions before they’d had ‘sexual congress’ the first time. He’d tried so hard to be subdued and not needy during sex so as not to put Spock off or offend him.

And yet, this morning, after a night of unbelievably fulfilling sex, even by Jim’s standards, Spock had shut down. More so than he ever had. He was different. Colder. More aloof. He’d gone back to the way he was before their first date. Before all of Jim’s careful planning.

A hollow feeling in his stomach that crawled up into his heart told Jim that last night he had clearly shown too much of himself to Spock. He’d let loose a little too much. Been too needy, too demanding.

 _Too Jim_.     

And Spock hadn’t liked it. Him.

Jim had awakened to an empty bed, but that was not at all unusual. Spock often rose before he did. He’d gone into the bathroom and took a long shower. When he’d come out of Spock’s bedroom, Spock had been sitting at the dining room table with a PADD and a cup of tea. He looked up when Jim came out.

And that’s when the blood in Jim’s veins turned to ice water. Spock’s face was shuddered, blank, devoid of the usual warmth he had reserved for Jim.

“Everything okay?”

“Affirmative.” Spock had risen and shoved his PADD into the bag he always carried with him. He was already dressed in his instructor blacks. “I do not have time for breakfast so if you are ready to leave…”

Jim’s chest had constricted. “Uh. Yeah. Sure. I’m, uh, meeting Bones for breakfast anyway.”

Spock nodded and headed for the door of the apartment. Which made Jim scramble to get his shoes on and gather his things. All the while Spock had said…nothing.

He’d almost leaned in to give Spock a goodbye kiss but there was something almost hateful about the blankness in Spock’s eyes and Jim pulled back at the last minute.   

“See you tonight?” Jim asked as they rode down in the lift together.

Spock shook his head. “I am unavailable.”

The doors had opened and Spock had stepped out and walked in the opposite direction of the Academy, which had surprised Jim. He had also not said goodbye.

“So what do you think?” Bones asked, from across him at the table at the restaurant where they’d met for breakfast.

Jim stared at him. “About what?”

Bones scowled. “Have you been listening at all, Jim?”

“Uh.”

“About the chances of me passing that test I am taking tomorrow.”

“Oh.” Jim waved. “Piece of cake, Bones. You’ll ace it.”

“What’s up?” Bones asked through narrowed eyes.

“Nothing,” Jim denied.

“Bullshit. Is it Spock?”

Jim wasn’t surprised he’d zero right in on Jim’s relationship with Spock. “Why would you think that?”

“Because ever since you started seeing Spock you’ve been twitchy.” Bones sighed and took a sip of coffee. “Hell, we’re just in the beginning of the semester really. From the first day you walked into _my class_ , by the way, you set your sights on him. What’s it been now? How long has this one lasted?”

“Well. It’s been pretty slow for me,” Jim admitted. “Tomorrow we’ll have been seeing each other a month. And we’ve only been, er, sleeping together for about a week of that.” He picked up his coffee and cradled it in his hands, not drinking from it, just letting it warm his hands.

“So what’s the issue?”

“I think it’s over, maybe.”

Both of Bones’ eyebrows shot up. “What? Over already?”

Jim nodded and looked away.

“I can’t say I’m sorry.”

His gaze flew back to his friend. “What?”

“Jim, you aren’t even being yourself. You’ve been, I don’t know, behaving like a Vulcan or something. Trying to be what he is instead of yourself. And the minute a little bit of you comes out, you pull it back. I don’t like it. Either he likes you for you or he can get lost.”

“I think he’s getting lost.”

“Tell me.”

“Bones.”

“Come on. You may as well. I’m going to start a website for the lovelorn or something.”

Jim rolled his eyes. “Yeah that will go over just swell. You _are_ divorced.”

Bones shrugged. “Just because I screwed up doesn’t mean I don’t know things. Eat your breakfast. Your eggs are getting cold. And tell me all about it.”

“Well, that whole thing about being myself? I was. Last night.” Jim stabbed at his eggs. “The-the sex was amazing.”

“Jim—”

“Do you want me to tell you this or not?”

“Okay, okay, Carry on. But if I need antacid after this, it’s your fault.”

“And the intimacy, God it was—”

“Amazing.”

“Yeah. I’ve never experienced anything close to it. It was like we were on some other plane of existence.” Jim sighed and pushed his plate of food away. “I-I let too much of myself out, Bones. I was too-too…me. I tried so hard and in the end, God, it didn’t matter. This morning it was like…" He closed his eyes briefly and then opened them to look at Bones miserably. “He suddenly realized he was with James Tiberius Kirk.”

“Jim, are you sure it wasn’t something else?”

“What else could it be?”

“You could ask him.”

“He shut me out. You didn’t see him Bones. He didn’t want to talk to me. At all.”

“When are you seeing him again?”

He grimaced. “I’m not. I mean I asked about tonight and he said no. For the last month I’ve seen him almost every night.”

“Maybe he was just busy. It doesn’t mean the end of the world.” Bones stared at Jim for a moment. “Want to go to the movies with me tonight?”

“Don’t you have to study for that test?”

“Thought you said I’d ace it.”

“You will. I just…Bones, this is my problem. And I don’t need you interrupting your life just because I suck at being someone’s boyfriend.”

“Not someone’s. Spock, apparently.” Bones shook his head. “I knew I didn’t like that hobgoblin.”

“Yeah, well it’s _his_ test you have to pass tomorrow. Forget it. I’ll find something to do. Even if it’s staying home and playing games or something.”

“If you’re sure—”

“Of course I’m sure.” He smiled. Almost meant that smile even. “Maybe I’ll call up Ga—”

“Nope. Don’t even finish that sentence. You are not calling up Gary.” The scowl was back. “Promise me.”

“Fine. No Gary.”

Bones rose from the table. “I have to go. See you later?”

Jim nodded.

But Jim had a shit day. Everything seemed to go wrong and he was feeling more out of it and depressed by the hour. It had been a long time since he’d felt this low.

He was headed to his last class for the day when he changed directions and decided to go see Spock instead. Maybe he could talk to Spock. See what had happened that upset the Vulcan.

He stopped, his footsteps faltering, when he watched Uhura, from the bar in Riverside, throwing her arms around Spock’s neck. Spock’s arms wrapped around her waist and pulled her close.

Jim spun around and walked away.

****

Jim woke with a splitting headache and a mouth full of cotton.

“Ugh.”

He stretched his arms in bed and then froze. He’d touched something. Someone. He turned his head and saw long red, curly hair and green Orion skin.

_Shit._

_Oh no_.

He didn’t. He couldn’t have. But Jim was naked and so was she and so he knew he fucking must have.

He stumbled out of bed and searched for his clothes in what was most definitely her room. He pulled them on, his heart hammering painfully in his chest. His stomach so tied in knots he was surprised they weren’t visible. And he was so nauseous, he was about to throw up.

Jim hurried to the door just as it opened and Uhura walked in. Her eyes narrowed.

“Kirk, what are you—” Her gaze flew to her sleeping roommate.

But Jim ran out before she could say anything else.

He ended up running right off campus, ignoring anyone who called to him. He was all the way downtown before he stopped. He did vomit then. And cried, too.

When he couldn’t cry anymore tears, he pulled out his communicator and pressed a button.

“Jim?”

“Yeah. Um. Where-where are you?”

There was nothing but silence.

“I want to come there. Please.”

“What about the Academy?”

Jim closed his eyes. “I’m quitting. It…it didn’t work out.”

“All right. I’m on Omicron Three.”   


	2. Chapter 2

Jim thought about saying goodbye to Bones. He really did. But in the end, he decided he just couldn’t face his friend with his shame. He knew Bones wouldn’t judge him. Not really. But Jim had already judged himself and Bones deserved a better friend.

So he didn’t pack up his stuff until he knew Bones would be in class taking his test.

He did stop by Pike’s office because he thought he owed him at least a partial explanation. After all, this whole thing had been Pike’s idea.

“You can go right in,” the ensign manning the desk outside his office told Jim with a bright smile.

“Thanks.” Jim shuffled the bag he carried and stepped into the office.

“Jim, what’s up? Sit down.” Pike said, gesturing to the chair in front of his desk.

“No.” Jim cleared his throat. “Don’t have a lot of time.”

Pike frowned. “You late for class?”

Jim sucked in a deep breath, then let it out slowly. He hated that he was disappointing Pike. He really did. But if there was one thing Jim was good at, it was being disappointing.

“No. I don’t have classes anymore.”

Pike leaned back. “Want to explain?”

“Not really, no. I’m leaving today,” Jim replied. “Coming to San Francisco was a mistake. I went to the Dean of Admissions before coming here and I withdrew.”

“I don’t understand, son.”

“Yeah, actually, I think you do.” He looked away from Pike’s piercing gaze. “I’m not cut out for this. For taking orders. For the structure. And certainly not for the-the camaraderie. I’m a loner, you know? The lone wolf.”

“Well, that’s a lot of bullshit, anyway. Jim, sit down. I’m sure we can discuss this rationally and come to a—”

“No,” Jim said quickly. “I fucked up. I did something really stupid and now I just have to go.”

“So you’d rather run away then face the consequences of your ‘fucking up’ as you say.”

Jim nodded, the muscle in his clenched jaw jumping and tightening.

“Look, I know you’ve got—”

“Don’t.”

“Issues,” Pike said, far too smoothly. “But I’m certain we can work through them, this.”

“You don’t understand.”

“Help me.”

He glanced toward the exit door. “I have to figure this all out on my own. Thank you. For everything. Really. Trying to help me.” He swallowed and moved toward the door. “Goodbye.”

“Jim—

But he was already outside the office and headed down the corridor.

****

“Kirk! For fuck’s sake, come down from there. Carefully.”

Jim looked down at Sulu who stared up at him from down below. Several feet. Jim didn’t know how many. He could calculate that—

“Come on down.”

Jim gazed out over the city from his perch on top of a lamp post. These things were rare these days. Historical, he guessed. Maybe half a dozen left. At least in this area. Hold overs from centuries before. They gave the city character that it had lost much of. He laughed.

“Jim,” Sulu called up.

Oh now he was Jim. He was fine up here. Didn’t Sulu know? He was the almost indestructible James T. Kirk.

“I’m going to call Leonard.”

He laughed again. That was a damn threat, that was. But it worked. He didn’t want to deal with fucking Bones.

“Coming down.”

“Slowly.”

But Jim wrapped his arms around the post and slid down it at a quick pace, his sneakered feet slamming down hard as he landed. The impact caused the soles of his feet to burn a bit. And Sulu was staring at him wide-eyed.

“What were you doing up there?” Sulu demanded.

He shrugged. “Saying goodbye to the city.”

“No offense, Kirk. But you’re seriously freaking me out. Your eyes are like…super dilated. Are you on something?”

“I have to go,” Jim said. He slapped Sulu on the back.

“Go? Look, maybe you should stay here. There are people looking for you.”

“Can I tell you something?” he whispered low to Sulu.

Sulu frowned. “What?”

“I don’t want them to find me.”

“Kirk, you’re really scaring me. There’s something not right and I—”

Jim let out a loud whoop and spun around, arms wide. “I have a shuttle to catch, Hikaru.”

“A shuttle to where?”

He shook his head then and grabbed Sulu’s arms. “To nowhere. See you.”

“Wait! Jim! Wait. There are people who are looking and—”

Jim flipped him off over his shoulder. “Fuck them. And fuck you.”

He began to run again, running through the city streets to the shuttle bay departure for civilians. Which he was now. He’d already ordered his ticket so he just let them scan his communication device and then he boarded the shuttle, slouching down in the corner. He took out his PADD.

He ignored the messages he saw from Pike and Bones. Couple of other friends too. And the Admins office at the Academy. And one form his counselor. He stabbed his finger at that one.

All he saw was “off meds” before he closed out of that one.

There were no messages from Professor Fucking Spock. Which gave him a very sharp pain in the chest.

There was one from Gaila though.    

_Jim,_

_You don’t understand—_

He deleted it.  

He wrote one for Spock. It was simple and to the point. Spock would like that.

_You deserve better._

He sent it and then closed his eyes.

****

He was surprised to see Sam waiting for him as he stepped off the shuttle. He hadn’t expected that much consideration. After all they hadn’t even _seen_ each other since he’d left Riverside when Jim was a kid. Before the diagnosis. Before Tarsus IV.

It was only a year ago that Sam had even been in contact with him. Then it had been, oh you should come for a visit, or we should get together, but nothing was ever planned. Until now.

Not that Sam looked particularly welcoming. He looked a bit like a crazy scientist, which Jim guessed he was. Hair all on standing on end. It was long and pulled back into a loose pony tail with the top of it wild and free and frazzled like he’d been running his hands through it. And Jim was the manic one. Hell, maybe it ran in the family.

Sam had a full scraggly beard that reached down to the middle of his chest. He had similar blue eyes staring out of a kind of dirty face. He maybe had an inch on Jim in height, but otherwise, the similarities were kind of astounding. Jim now knew what he’d look like if he grew a beard like that. Or let his hair go.

“You look pretty wrecked,” Sam said, even though Jim had just had the same thought about him. “Come on. Let’s go to my home and then you can tell me what the fuck is up with you.”

He followed Sam out to a hover bike. He’d half expected Sam to have a tank. He swung up on the bike behind Sam.

Omicron Three was red and dusty and rather warm.

Sam’s house ended up being mostly underground, so they’d had to go down a flight of stairs to get to it.

“We get some killer sand storms here,” Sam said. “Most of us live underground because if you breathe in too much of that dust, it’s toxic.”

Sam started shoving stuff off chairs and tables when they got to the main room. Piles of what looked like junk, scrap metal, plates of old food.

“Glad you only brought a small bag,” Sam said, looking at him. He didn’t add that he didn’t want Jim to stay long because that was definitely implied. “Sit. You look a little wild-eyed.” Sam went into his kitchen and then returned with two bottles of beer, one of which he handed to Jim.

Jim sat and then proceeded to tell Sam everything that had happened the last couple of days.

“Jim, are you fucking nuts? That’s sexual assault.”

“Well, but I—”

“Never mind all that. That Orion girl was out of it, right? So she couldn’t have consented. You’re in big fucking trouble, bro. No wonder this Sulu dude said they were looking for you. Probably to arrest you.”

Jim shook his head, even though he thought maybe Sam was right. Gaila was a friend or had been anyway. Now he wished he hadn’t deleted her message.

Sam was watching him. “Bipolar, huh? You didn’t tell me about that before.”

“It’s not exactly something to be shared lightly,” Jim replied. “We’ve only been talking over coms and stuff for a few months.”

“A year.”

“Still.”

“They sure about that diagnosis anyway? You can’t trust anyone, Jim.”

He shrugged. “I don’t know. That’s what they said. And PTSD. From, you know.”

Sam narrowed his eyes. “But you aren’t taking the meds?  Probably a good thing. Pretty soon you’re drugged up on that stuff and they practically make you their slave.”

Jim frowned. “I don’t know about that.”

“I do! You can’t fucking trust nobody. They might be listening even now.”

“Who?”

Sam gestured wildly with his arms. “Them.”

“Oh.”

Well, shit.

Apparently mental illness did run in his family.

“Anyway, you’re better off away from that Academy. Starfleet is an evil organization, Jim. They aim to brainwash you. And if that boyfriend of yours is part of them, he was likely in on it.”

“Er.” Jim didn’t know what to say to that. He was very much regretting coming to Omicron Three. “So, um, I really shouldn’t stay more than a day or so, right?”

Sam nodded. “Probably. Problem is, you aren’t going to get to leave.”

He said it so strangely, almost sinister, that Jim began to breathe a little funny. “What? Why? Nobody can keep me here.”

“Sure they can.”

“Sam—”

His brother burst out laughing. “It’s a storm, Jim. A sand storm. A big one. Predicted for tomorrow and supposed to last until the end of the week. No shuttles can leave until Saturday.” Sam gave him an intense look. “ _They_ wouldn’t dare keep you here. I wouldn’t let them.”

“Oh.” Jim tried a smile. “Um. Good.”


	3. Chapter 3

“I’ve got to get back to my experiments,” Sam announced, his voice vaguely ominous. “I’ll be down in the basement for several hours.”

To Jim this whole thing was a basement. “What are you experimenting on?”

“Oh. Stuff.” Sam waved his hands.

“Uh.”

“It’s top secret, Jim.”

“Oh. Gotcha.”

“Make yourself at home.”

“Mind if I clean the kitchen?” Jim wrinkled his nose at the sour, spoiled smells.

“Yeah, whatever. Just don’t make a lot of noise.” Sam headed for a rickety looking wooden door. He unlocked it with an old-fashioned key, which he then slipped into the breastbone pocket of his shirt. He went through the door and then Jim heard the sound of Sam descending stairs.

He blew out a breath and then picked up his PADD. He pushed his finger on the message from Bones and…nothing happened.

“Great.”

Apparently Sam’s sandstorm was going to make his PADD useless for the duration.  

Jim went over to the stairs he’d taken to get into Sam’s house to check out what it looked like outside. He’d never been in a sandstorm and wondered what to expect.

He undid the four locks Sam had slid across the door after they arrived and pulled open the door.

He was immediately hit with a face full of blinding sand which walloped his skin and made his eyes sting. He gulped in air and slammed the door shut. The sand had been spinning so badly in front of the door, Jim couldn’t even see two feet in front of him.

With a shake of his head he went back down the stairs and into the kitchen.

For the next two hours, Jim worked frantically on Sam’s kitchen, scrubbing everything so hard that he made his hands bleed. By the time he finished, he was feeling jittery and full of crazy energy.

He paced the house. But it didn’t calm him. Jim started cleaning again, Sam’s living room this time. Jim climbed onto the furniture to reach the ceilings, scrubbing, scrubbing.

“What the hell are you doing?”

Jim jumped, his feet slamming down on the cushion of an old soiled sofa which toppled over and Jim with it. He hit the floor with a hard thud.

“Ouch. Fuck.”

Sam stood starting down at him, hands on his hips. “You’re standing on my couch.”

“Not anymore!” Jim winced and sat up, rubbing his back and neck. “You scared the crap out of me.”

Sam looked around. “What the hell did you do to my place? It smells…different.”

“It’s called clean, Sam.”

“Crazy son of a bitch.” Sam leaned down and yanked Jim to his feet. “I said you could clean the kitchen, dude.”

“I couldn’t stop.”

Sam looked at his bleeding and cut hands. “Those drugs they gave you really fucked you over. Come on, I have some antiseptic ointment.”

“You do?” Jim followed him into a bathroom.

Sam shrugged. “I don’t have a lot of conveniences here. Have to be prepared for anything.” He opened a cabinet and took out a tube of ointment.

Jim looked around. “It’s surprisingly clean in here.”

Sam grabbed his hands and shoved them under the running faucet to wash them off. “Can you cook?”

“Huh?”

“Can you make food?” He turned off the faucet and patted Jim’s hands dry.

“Yeah, I guess. I mean I’m not a gourmet or anything.”

Sam nodded. “Good. Because the replicators are on the fritz so you can cook for us.”

“What’s wrong with them?”

“I have no clue.” Sam squeezed out ointment on to each of Jim’s hands and then started rubbing it in. He was surprisingly gentle. “I haven’t had time to tear them apart and study them.”

“Might be simple.”

“Might be. But I didn’t really inherit Mom’s skills for engineering and stuff. I got a guy who comes in sometimes to fix shit but he’s been busy too. Shit breaks down a lot on this hell hole.” Sam bent down and opened a cabinet. He withdrew a roll of cloth bandages. “What do you plan on doing? Where are you going to go?”

“I don’t know,” Jim admitted. “I had kind of thought I’d stay here.”

Sam shook his head and began to wrap Jim’s hands. “You don’t want to stay here, Jim. Come on. Seriously? This place is a dump. And what? You’re going to hang around your crazy, paranoid brother? No. You’ve got potential, kid. Don’t become me.”

“What are you working on, really?”

“It’s a secret.”

“Even from me?”

“From everyone. That’s what makes it _secret_.”

Jim bit his lip and stared at his bandaged hands. “Well. Where then? Riverside?”

Sam crossed his arms over his chest. “Frank still there?”

“No. Bastard’s history. No thanks to you.”

“I was just a stupid fucking kid, Jimmy. I’m not proud of all that.”

Jim sighed and leaned against the sink. “I know. Far as I know the house is empty. Even if I went there, it would only be temporary. There’s nothing to do there. I’d go fucking nuts.”

“Back to San Francisco then?”

“I don’t know. I’ve kind of burned the Academy bridge.”

“There’s other things to do other than Starfleet.” Sam turned and walked out of the bathroom and Jim followed.

“You got anything that resembles coffee in this place?”

Sam smirked and reached up to scratch his beard. “I’ve got chicory coffee.”

Jim grimaced. He was not fond of chicory.

“Take it or leave it, kid. And let me know when it’s time to eat. I’m going back down.”

Jim watched his brother go back into the basement and then he went into the kitchen to find the chicory coffee. He eyed his useless PADD with a sense of sorrow he could not shake. What was Bones thinking? Was there a message from Spock? And if there was, how bad was it? He had no doubt Uhura would go running to Spock to tell him she’d found him with Gaila. Did he dare go back to San Francisco? And to what?

And Riverside? Frank was gone, yeah. But most people there hated him.

Sam said Jim wouldn’t want to stay there on Omicron Three. But at the moment the alternates seemed worse. 


	4. Chapter 4

The sand storm was over, and it was more than past time Jim leave Sam to his experiments. He knew that.

He had to return to San Francisco to say goodbye to Pike and Bones. He owed them that much. The thing was, Jim wasn’t stupid. They were never going to give him command of a starship, not the way he was now, anyway. He wouldn’t pass any psyche test they gave him. Sam was right about some things. Starfleet wasn’t for him. Right now. Maybe in the future, if he could get his act together.

Sam took him to the shuttle bay and dropped him off. They didn’t linger on goodbyes. They weren’t that kind of family. They didn’t have that kind of relationship. Sam pretty much stopped his bike, Jim was grateful for that as his stomach was rolling the whole way, and let Jim off, then went on his way.

He sent a message back to Bones saying he would see him when he got back, and one to Pike, too. There were no messages from Spock, so Jim didn’t bother sending him one.

Even before the Gaila thing, whatever that was, Jim was pretty sure his thing with Spock was over. He’d been announcing it loud and clear, Jim just hadn’t wanted to listen.

Rather than deal with Bones first, Jim headed directly to HQ once he returned to San Francisco. He was just going through the main doors into the lobby when he heard his name called.

“Jim! Jim Kirk!”

Then suddenly Gaila was launching herself at him, hugging him close.

“Jim! I was so worried.”

“Uh. Hi.”

She grabbed his arm and pulled him to the side. “Listen, we need to talk. Want to go get some lunch?”

He shook his head. “I’m on my way to speak with Captain Pike.”

“But Jim—”

“I’m really sorry, Gaila. About that night. I don’t know—”

She touched her fingers to his mouth to silence him. “That’s the whole thing, dummy. Nothing happened.”

“But—”

“Look, we got drunk. You were totally out of it before that. Really upset. Something to do with Spock. You were…I don’t know…despondent. I took you for drinks and we got wasted. We went back to my place, but we didn’t do anything.”

“We were naked.”

She smirked. “We got hot. Jim, I don’t fuck guys who are with someone else and you definitely were. And I don’t fuck guys who are drunk and out of it, even when _I_ am. And you don’t fuck anyone when they are too drunk to consent. That’s not you. Okay? We got hot, so we took our clothes off and we passed out. But we never had sex.”

Jim wanted to believe that. He did. “Are you sure?”

“Of course I’m sure. You should tell Spock. You want me to talk to him?”

Jim swallowed the lump in his throat. “Spock and I…we’re not together anymore.”

“Is it because of me?”

“No.” He smiled and kissed her cheek. “Because of me.”

“Jim—”

“Listen, I loved knowing you, okay? You were great. And good luck with the rest of your classes. I have to go talk to Pike.”

He squeezed her arm and then walked away, heading for the lifts.

He was allowed in right away like before. Pike stood up from behind his desk as Jim walked in.

“Jim! You’re back.”

“I am, but just long enough…sir, I appreciate more than I can say your talking me into coming here to the Academy. All the things you said.”

“You didn’t react well at the time,” Pike said carefully.

“I know.” Jim nodded. “But I do appreciate them, and I did then.”

“Where have you been, Jim? A lot of us were concerned.”

“I didn’t mean to make you worry. I went to see my brother and there was a sand storm that brought down their communications. Anyway, I came here today to tell you I’m going back to Riverside and thank you, for the opportunity.”

“I don’t understand.”

“You said that before.” Jim smiled a little. “Sir, the truth is, I have no business being in the Academy at this time. If it wasn’t for you, they probably wouldn’t have even taken me. I need…I don’t know…something. I want to command a starship. I don’t want to be a guard or a science officer or an engineer. I want command.” He shook his head. “I’m not fit for that as I am now.”

Pike sighed, then slowly nodded. “All right. I agree you need to do what’s best for you at this time, Jim. And I’m glad you came here to tell me. When you left before—”

“Yeah. I know. It’s…anyway. All that doesn’t matter. I’m hoping, maybe, I can come back here and try again. When I get better.”

“There’s something else,” Pike said, then crossed his arms over his chest. “I’ll be getting command of the Enterprise within the next couple of months.”

Jim grinned. “Yeah? That’s fantastic. Congratulations, sir.”

“Thank you. Number One is going to be my first officer, of course.”

Jim found it vaguely amusing that Pike referred to his girlfriend as ‘Number One’.

“And I wanted you to know that Spock is going to be my science officer.” Pike paused, searching his gaze.

“Oh.” Jim nodded. “That’s great for Spock. I’m happy to hear it. I’m sure he’s thrilled. In his own Vulcan way, naturally.”

Pike’s lips twitched. “Naturally. Jim—”

“I know. I’ve got to go and talk to Bones. Which will be absolute hell, frankly, but I’m going out on tomorrow morning’s shuttle to Riverside.”

“He’s going to be upset, Jim. No doubt about it.”

“Yeah. I’m upset too. But Bones is a doctor, he’ll get it. I think.”

Pike walked over to him and hugged him. “Keep in touch.”

“I will, sir. And thank you.”

He left then, not wanting to get all emotional in front of Pike. Because he was. Completely. Pike was going to be captain of the Enterprise and Spock was going with him. It was pretty damn likely Jim would never see Spock again.

Spock probably wanted it that way, too.

But Jim didn’t. He still loved Spock, though, he still thought Spock deserved better.

He turned toward the street that would take him to Bones. Dread filling his stomach like lead balls. This could get ugly.


	5. Chapter 5

In typical Bones fashion, his apartment door was wrenched open rather than just opened a crack. He glared out at Jim. For some reason that eased the tightness in Jim’s chest, peculiarly.

“Hey,” he said, brilliantly. Because yeah, Jim Kirk thought on his feet. He shook his head and then smiled. Or thought he did. “I have a lot to talk to you about if you’ll listen. Can I come in?”

Bones held the door open. “Technically you still live here, so come on.”

Given his initial grimace, Jim was surprised when Bones hugged him once the door was closed.

“I was worried, you dumb ass.”

“Sorry. I went to see Sam and—”

“Sam? What did you go see him for?” Bones released him.

“Because I needed to see someone crazier than me?”

“You’re not—”

“I know,” Jim said softly. “Can we talk?”

“Pretty sure we should have talked before you went off half-cocked to see your bat-shit brother, but sit down. You want anything?”

“No.” He swallowed heavily, the painful lump forming in his throat difficult to get past. Jim sat down on the old sofa they’d picked up from a second hand store. It made him smile. That memory of the two of them shopping for stuff when they decided a dorm wouldn’t cut it.

Bones sat down beside him. “Okay. Talk.”

“I want to say first, I’m sorry. You’re right, I should have told you that I was leaving.”

“You were scared.”

“More…cowardly, I guess. And not thinking clearly.”

“All because Spock may or may not have dumped you?”

“It triggered it, I guess. But the truth is, I need help.”

“Jim.”

“Listen.” Jim sighed and bowed his head. “I’ve never really dealt with a lot of things that have happened in my life.”

“Like?”

He lifted his head and gazed at Bones. “I was on Tarsus IV during the famine.”

Bones paled. “My God.”

“Frank…that was my mom’s second husband, well, he was a heartless bastard. Used Sam as a punching bag until he left. Then turned to using me for one. And when he wasn’t hitting me, he was screaming at me until he’d turn purple. In the end, I guess that’s what got him. Too much rage gave him a heart attack. Anyway, I acted out when Sam left and got sent to Tarsus. It was hell, Bones. And it wasn’t something I ever wanted to talk about with anyone. And I guess…well that was a bad thing. Oh, they made me see all kinds of specialists. And I was diagnosed with bipolar and they gave me drugs.”

“Jim, I…I don’t know what to say.”

“I know. Me either, really. I guess I had some of Frank’s rage too because I got myself into all kinds of trouble. And I’m lucky Cupcake and his cronies didn’t kill me that night in Riverside. I’m pretty sure that was their goal. Maybe it was mine.” He stared down at his fingers. “I had no business coming to the Academy when I can’t even take care of myself, Bones. I’m so fucked up, I just…I need help. I feel this darkness all the time, this heaviness. I’m not fit to command in Starfleet right now and that’s what I want.”

“What are you saying, Jim? You’re quitting?”

He smiled and reached for his friend’s hand. “Yeah, I am. Call it a leave of absence, if you want. But I need to get my shit together and then I’ll come back and do it right.

“And Spock?”

“There is no Spock. Pike told me Spock is going to be his science officer on the Enterprise. Number One is going to be his First Officer. Within a couple of months, they’ll all be gone.”

“Where will you go, Jim?”

Jim hesitated. He knew Bones wasn’t going to like this. “Riverside, I think.”

“Riverside? What in the hell for?”

“For peace. For therapy.”

“In that place?”

“Frank’s gone, Bones. No one is there. I’ll have the place to myself. And there’s a doctor I contacted on the way back to San Francisco I saw briefly before. He’s still in Riverside and I think, we both think, he can maybe help me.”

“You’ve made up your mind then,” Bones said, flatly.

“I’m going out on the shuttle tomorrow.”

“Jesus.” Bones buried his face in his hands. “I wish I knew if this was the right thing for you to do.”

“You’re going to have to trust me.”

“Okay. Okay.” Bones nodded. “I want what’s right for you.”

Jim smiled. “Thanks. I was hoping you wouldn’t give me shit.”

“I want to,” Bones admitted. “But I don’t know what else to do to convince you to stay and work through it here. I’d like for you to stay in San Francisco. Stay here in this apartment. If you feel like you need a break from school, I get that. But, Jim, I don’t think going back to Riverside is good for you. That place is haunted.”

“There’s no such thing as ghosts.”

“Not real ones, no. But there may as well be. I’ve heard your nightmares. You talk in your sleep sometimes. I never really got everything that was going, but Jim, you have to know, you aren’t Sam.”

“I know.”

“Do you? Just because your brother has some…mental health issues doesn’t mean it has to be so dire for you. I understand you wanting to take care of yourself and get things all sorted. You experienced Tarsus and that…I just don’t know what to say. But—”

There was a sharp tap on the door.

Jim frowned at it. “Who’s that? Are you expecting someone?”

“No.” Bones’ face was pinched. “But you are.”

“Huh?”

“Jim, I’m sorry. But Pike let me know you were coming, and he won’t stop bugging me and—”

The knock sounded louder.

“ _Bones_. Who is it?”

“Spock.”

“What?”

“I told him to come over and talk to you.”

“Fuck. _Bones_.”

“Jim.”

Jim flinched at the stony voice reaching him in the living room. He blew out a breath. He could murder Bones. Really could. But okay, maybe it was time to stop being a coward.

“Let him in.”


	6. Chapter 6

He looked good. He looked really good. But then, when had Spock not looked great?

Spock had dressed casually, rather than his professor blacks, which for some reason put Jim a little more at ease than he’d expected to be. 

Jim had expected Spock to show anger or perhaps nothing, his infamous Vulcan control always in play, so he was surprised when those dark eyes showed warmth and softness and almost…understanding.

“I have been trying to reach you.”

Jim hugged himself. “Yeah?”

“We have a lot to talk about, Jim.”

He nodded, but couldn’t meet Spock’s eyes, even with the kindness he saw there. He moistened his lips. “Did you-do you want to sit?”

A slight hesitation and then, “Very well.”

Spock sat on the rather lumpy sofa in his apartment with Bones and Jim pulled up a dining room chair beside it where he sat himself, leaning forward on his elbows. 

“For starters,” Jim said. “I know you’re going on the Enterprise. Pike told me.”

“Yes,” Spock replied softly. 

“How long have you known?”

Spock let out a steadying breath, which for some reason surprised Jim, who looked up at him. “I suspected since before you and I began our relationship that I might be assigned the Enterprise sooner rather than later.”

“Yeah? You never mentioned it.”

“And that is definitely my error, Jim. I confess that I had concerns about establishing an amorous relationship given that possibility, but I also…wanted it.”

“I did too,” Jim confessed. “I probably would have even if you had told me.”

“I should have. When the official news finally did come, I was at a loss. Our relationship had progressed at a rapid pace I had not fully anticipated and I did not wish to inform you of my impending departure.”

Jim swallowed, his heart beating fast. “It was-it was that morning, wasn’t it? When you turned so…cold.”

Spock nodded. “I handled everything quite badly.”

“Me too. I was convinced it was me.”

“Jim—”

He held up his hand. “I know there’s a lot to take of me. I have some issues I haven’t really handled well, personal issues. I was on Tarsus IV and…”

“I grieve with thee.”

Jim smiled a little. “Family stuff too. My brother is a whack job. And I know that’s not a good thing or way to say it. Sometimes I fear I could become like him.”

“You are not a whack job, Jim.”

“Anyway, I know I’m intense. I feel things in ways you probably have no idea what to do with it. I don’t even. I shouldn’t have run away but I did. I’m in love with you, but I think you know that.”

“I am in love with you also.”

“Yeah?” He exhaled and reached for Spock’s hand. “I didn’t…I mean Gaila and I didn’t…”

“I know. She informed me of that herself. I have never had this sort of complication in my life before, and I confess I am not at all accomplished at it.” Spock turned Jim’s hand over in his. “I cannot change that I am going to be serving on the Enterprise, Jim.”

“I know. I was going to go back to Riverside.”

Spock’s gaze flew to his.

He shrugged. “Maybe. Bones wants me to stay here in San Francisco and get help here. Because I do need to get a few things worked out, if I’m ever going to be worthy of command someday.”

“You will be.”

“Thanks. It means a lot that you believe that. Believe in me. I just, I need to get to the point where I believe in me.”

“Long distance relationships…”

“Yeah,” Jim whispered. “And that’s quite a distance.” He stood and pulled Spock to his feet and wrapped his arms around him, holding him close. He was glad when Spock held him back, arms tight around Jim’s back. “I love you, Spock. And maybe, someday, it’ll be right for us.”

“I hope so.”

“Me too.” Jim pulled back and kissed Spock. “But for now, I guess, this is goodbye.”

Spock nodded. “Yes.” His hand came up to Jim’s jaw. “For now, t’hy’la.” He leaned his forehead against Jim’s. “I am sorry.”

“Not as sorry as I am. I’ve fucked things up but good. But I-I will fix them.”

Spock released him then and stepped back. Jim walked him to the apartment door.

“Goodbye, Jim.”

He could barely get the words past his lips but he managed. “Bye, Spock. Be safe.”

“And you as well. Be well.”

Jim held up his hand in the ta’al. “Live long and prosper.”

“Peace and long life,” Spock whispered back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This particular part of their journey is over. They are going their separate ways in a temporary not very happily ever after. There will be another fic, eventually, with this Jim and Spock as they unite in the future.  
> Thanks for reading.


End file.
